Forgiving From the Heart

Our readings for this Sunday focus on forgiveness. Forgiveness is a detailed and complicated topic. Jesus and Forgiveness

In Matthew 18, Jesus sternly highlights the spiritual consequences of holding on to unforgiveness.

"Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt.

So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgives your brother from your heart." (Matthew 18:34-35, lectionary)

Is Jesus saying that holding on to unforgiveness automatically eternally condemns us? His statement is ominous, but perhaps not for the reasons some will assume. If we have a wrong idea about how we get into heaven, we could easily get confused. Many people seem to think that, at the gates of heaven, St. Peter will challenge us about why we should get into heaven, and he will produce a scorecard of sorts based on our good works. We might call this a cartoon faith.

Cartoon Faith

I continue to be amazed at the power of stories and images to influence people’s beliefs. A few years ago, many people read the fictional thriller, The Da Vinci Code.  A great deal of confusion occurred, as hundreds of errors in this tale unintentionally influenced people, concerning the Catholic Church and our faith.

A similar thing has occurred with popular cartoon images of heaven. The standard "cartoon" has the deceased person coming to the gates of heaven usually depicted with wings like an angel. St. Peter challenges the person about why he should let them into heaven. Often this is bundled with the idea that we need to present a list of our good deeds to enter.

In sacred scripture, we are explicitly told that the heaven city has a massive, high wall and not one but twelve pearly gates (Revelation 21:12). There are three gates that face each of the four directions North, East, South, and West (Revelation 21:14). This emphasizes that the city is for every nation, race, people, and tongue (Rev 7:9). In spite of these apparent fortifications, the gates are always open and never shut (22:25). Entry into heaven is for “those whose names are written in the lamb’s book of life” (21:27).

What the typical cartoon gets wrong is that our eternal destiny is determined “at the moment of our death,” in a particular judgment by Christ. This judgment will determine if we are worthy of either heaven or hell (CCC 1022, 1051). There are only two possibilities. All who die in God’s grace and friendship are assured of salvation, but they may also need to undergo purification before entering the joy of heaven (CCC 1030).

It is not the list of our good deeds that will make us worthy of heaven, but our communion with the death and resurrection of Christ and our deeds of cooperation with the graces that we have received through the sacraments. The catechism calls this living and dying “in God’s grace and friendship.”

The Church teaches that our eternal destiny is sealed at the moment of our death. We cannot earn our salvation through our own good works, no matter how good we try to be. Without exception, salvation comes through an unmerited gift of grace, received by faith, as we enter into communion with the death of Jesus. This is what the Catechism means by “All who die in God’s grace and friendship” (CCC 1030).

Forgiveness and Repentance

We also believe, however, that it is possible to lose this gift of grace through serious (mortal) sin in our lives. The conditions include grave matter, full knowledge, and deliberate consent. This type of serious sin can cause us to lose the gift of grace that we have received until we are restored to grace again by repentance in Confession.

This restoration to the life of grace occurs through an act of repentance in Confession. In order to make a good Confession we must have some contrition (CCC 1451-1453), and be willing to change our lives and stop sinning. If we do not intend to stop the sin, or in the case of difficult habitual sins, at least to genuinely struggle to stop them, we cannot be forgiven in Confession. 

The healing we receive in Confession actually helps us to exercise mercy towards those who sin against us. This is one of the reasons why even frequent Confession of less serious sins is helpful.  The Catechism reminds us that by "receiving more frequently through this sacrament the gift of the Father’s mercy, we are spurred to be merciful as he is merciful" (CCC 1458).

I believe that Jesus is telling us that deliberately withholding forgiveness for some injustice that we have experienced is potentially a grave sin. Withholding forgiveness could also be an unwillingness to stop sinning by failing to show mercy. The unforgiving servant in Jesus' parable suffers a kind of moral blindness that seems to prevent him from connecting the mercy he has been shown, with the mercy he should show to others.

Forgiveness is both a Choice and a Process

Now I think we need to be fair. Forgiving an inconsiderate driver in traffic is not the same as experiencing a life of trauma or abuse.  When I hear a victim of trauma say, “I will never forgive my mother,” I am well aware that forgiveness in such circumstances is a process. If I am able to see this, then we can be certain that Jesus understands this as well.

A number of years ago while teaching a seminar on forgiveness; I met a man who said to me, “I will never forgive my mother.” He had not talked to his mother in 55 years. When I heard his childhood story, frankly I thought his mother deserved to be in jail for her crimes. 

During the evenings of the seminar, we explored what forgiveness is and is not, and why we need to forgive for our own healing (spiritually and psychologically). By the end of the seminar, the man shared with me, “I think I can now forgive my mother.” He resolved to call her mother and tell her so. (Personal details changed to protect the person's identity.)

Dr. Robert Enright (a Catholic clinical psychologist) has developed a therapeutic approach to the human act of forgiveness that has helped many people to work through the difficult feelings of anger and resentment and find healing.     Modern Psychology and Forgiveness

What Forgiveness Is

Enright uses the following definition of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. More than this, Catholic psychologist Robert Enright suggests that in addition to letting go of grudges and resentment even when the wrongdoer's actions deserve it, we instead offend gifts of “mercy, generosity and love” or “beneficence” when the wrongdoer does not deserve them.[i]

Enright identifies three components to forgiveness.[ii] First we must acknowledge that the offense was and continues to be unfair. Secondly, since our anger is a response to someone hurting us, and we have a moral right to this anger. To put this another way our anger is justified, since we have the right to be treated with respect. Thirdly, forgiveness involves us offering the offender a gift, as we give up our anger and resentment. In essence, forgiveness is an act of mercy toward the offender. What Forgiveness Is and Is Not

At a basic level simply letting go of anger and resentment and saying “I forgive you,” is an act of forgiveness. I believe that if you have taken this step, you are likely no longer in the realm of obvious sin. Yet Enright suggests a further step, we need to make an act of mercy toward the offender. 

Since forgiveness is a process, in order to fully experience forgiveness in our hearts, we need to hear Jesus say “Love your enemies.” Jesus calls us to universally exercise mercy. 

We can test our heart. If we have forgiven someone, but we still have the temptation, at least mentally, to stick out our foot to trip the offender when we see this person, we likely have more work to do in our hearts! Again, I think God understands the need for a process as we work through our emotions. It should be obvious that a simple act of forgiveness does not necessarily take away all our hurt. In some cases, it may take years. Why is Forgiveness Difficult

Yet, I think Jesus’ warning about “forgiving from the heart” encourages us to continue the process until we reach the end of the journey.


Notes:

CCC = Catechism of the Catholic Church

[i] Robert D. Enright, Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. (Washington: APA, 2001), p. 25. 

[ii]  He follows the definition of the British philosopher Joanna North. Ibid. p. 25. Cf. Robert D. Enright and Richard P. Fitzgibbons, Forgiveness Therapy: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope 2nd ed. (Washington: American Psychological Association, 2015.)

 

Th Grammar of Love in Conflict

A times life is full of difficulties and disappointments. I don’t know about you, but when I reflect on my life, most of the unhappiness in my life stems not from traumatic events or serious illnesses, but from relationship conflict.

I have been happily married for 37 years, but I still agree with modern research on marriage, which has shown that 68% of conflict in all Marriages never gets resolved. Most often differences in personality create conflict in Marriage. Happy couples learn to compromise on their differences and develop skills in conflict resolution.

Since personality does not change, unless you live as a hermit, conflict with others is a normal part of life. Not just in Marriage, however, but with our friends, our family, our colleagues, and the people in our church.

This means our future happiness depends on learning how to deal with conflict.

The question is where do we find good advice?

Growing in human virtue and positive psychology could likely help, but as Catholics, perhaps we should turn to the Bible for advice.

In our modern culture, many people resonate with Jesus' admonition, “Stop judging, that you may not be judged. (Matthew 7:1.) We often interpret this to mean that we should be completely tolerant and not interfere with other people's personal freedom in their life choices. If we interfere, we are being judgmental and unloving. 

The Bible, however, requires someone to interpret it. If we think this way about Jesus’ teaching on "not judging," I wonder how much our mind is being influenced by modern culture, so that it is actually culture, and not the Bible that we are hearing? 

Does our first reading from the Old Testament surprise you? God told Ezekiel that he would hold Ezekiel personally responsible if he did not try to dissuade people from a misguided life. Does he require the same of us?

While Jesus’ famous words: “Stop judging” in Matthew 7, are concerned about avoiding our own hypocrisy, they still imply we should try to help our brother or sister. Jesus certainly did not tell us to "look the other way" and do nothing.

Our culture celebrates personal freedom and tolerance, and I admit these are good things, but even good things can be misused.

If someone had a seven-year-old son, who decided to eat only chocolate ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and never to eat anything else, the son would not be healthy. Yet other than the grocery bill, this choice would only affect him. Yet, I doubt that any sensible parent would allow this.

True freedom must always be freedom for the good.

Echoing Jesus, St. Paul reminds us in our Second Reading that “love is the fulfillment of the law.” If we always acted in love, we would be on the correct path at all times. St. Augustine famously said, “Love God and do whatever you please.”  I am guessing this quote was very popular in the 1960's! If the quote sounds a bit off, that is because the full quote is,

“Love God and do whatever you please: for the soul trained in love to God will do nothing to offend the One who is Beloved.” [i]

The problem is that love, like words in a sentence, has a certain grammar. Our love must be ‘rightly ordered,’ or have the correct grammar, to be genuine or true love. Love must always be directed toward the good.

In relation to freedom, the Catholic Church has always taught that we are only truly acting with freedom when we pursue what is good. To pursue something evil is a personal choice but not genuine freedom. Clearly being pro-choice can be actively evil in many circumstances.

In our Gospel today, Jesus discusses the grammar of love in conflict. In normal circumstances, when we have a problem with someone else, we should first “go and tell him or her their fault on our own” (Matthew 18:15).

As part of the inherent dignity of the human person, each of us is entitled to a just reputation. When other people attack or diminish our just reputation this is a sinful act. The Catechism reminds us that “Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury” (CCC 2437).

If we are not careful in this regard, we can fall into three sins. Before discussing these sins, I want to assure you that like Jesus I am beside you, but unlike Jesus, I am not above you! I think each of us could admit that we have committed these sins from time to time. I know I have!

Rash Judgement

The first sin is rash judgment. A person commits this sin when they assume, as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor (CCC 2437). If we quickly assume our neighbor's fault and even think they have bad motives for their behavior, but we have done nothing to see if this is true, we are sinning.

Following Jesus' advice in our Gospel, we should instead first go to the other person on our own, and talk to them. If we do this, we will hear their side of the story. Perhaps we are mistaken about their fault or their intentions.

When we are angry or hurt, is easy to make a rash judgment in a situation. Our anger at a perceived injustice on our part can often lead us to exaggerate the fault committed and to be defensive. While we may well have a just complaint about our neighbor, it would not be fair to respond unfairly.

The most loving behavior is to begin by thinking the best of the other person and only to think badly of them once we get all the facts. This often includes determining the difference between an act carried out carelessly, and one done with malicious intent.

Detraction

The second is the sin of detraction. We commit this sin when without objectively valid reason; we choose to disclose another’s faults and failings to persons who do not know them (CCC 2437).

Detraction is the sin of gossip. Even after determining that we are correct about another person’s fault, this does not mean we have the right to tell everyone we know about it. It is a sin to reveal another person’s fault to other people, who do not have the right to know. Again it is a sin to unjustly harm another person’s reputation.

Normally the number of people we should talk to is severely limited. There are exceptions. Often times there are legitimate authorities who do need to know. If a crime has been committed, we need to report it immediately. Something serious may occur in the workplace, which requires us to tell our superiors. While there are people in our lives who may need to know about the fault, this clearly is not everyone. Jesus calls us to act with discretion.

I do not want people to think, however, this means we need to resolve every problem on our own. As we work through a more difficult problem, we may well need to talk to a pastor, a counselor, or a trusted friend who will also promise to keep the matter confidential. This is not gossip.

I am not sure what sort of conflict between Christians Jesus has in mind in our Gospel but there is a progression, first go alone, then take witnesses, then tell the church. The pattern is to try to resolve the conflict by involving as few people as possible. If we do not follow this pattern, we are likely gossiping.

Gossip is like a contagious disease. Someone says, “Did you hear about so-and-so, I heard…” and then it is passed on to the next person.

Gossip is always sinful, but it can be especially sinful if the fault is exaggerated or simply not true. Rash judgment plus detraction intensifies the sin. Furthermore, gossip once released is almost impossible to repair. What if we later discover there was more to the story and we were completely mistaken about the fault?

Perhaps you have heard the often-told story of the priest who gave a penance to someone guilty of gossip. He told the penitent to take a feather pillow and climb up the church tower. He then directed them to cut open the pillow and release all the feathers in the wind. After doing this, he told the penitent, you must go and collect each feather and return all of them to me. 

When the penitent protested that this was impossible. The priest replied, “You are correct, and now you understand that it is impossible to make amends in this life for your sin.” He then gave the penitent absolution, in the hope that they would amend their future ways and no longer engage in gossiping.

Calumny

Finally, we have the sin of calumny. This sin is committed when, by remarks contrary to the truth, we harm the reputation of others and give occasion for others to make false judgments about someone (CCC 2437).

The sin of calumny is more malicious. The person guilty of this sin deliberately makes remarks contrary to the truth, with the intention of harming the reputation of another person.  This could be by telling deliberate lies about another person, or even by telling a series of half-truths calculated to harm the other person. 

This could also occur passively by constantly highlighting and exaggerating little faults by the other person. Imagine what would happen if someone followed us around and constantly highlighted every mistake we made but was silent about anything good. What would people remember about us?

Does this bring to mind ugly political advertisements?  Calumny can also be against classes or groups of people, such as comments that incite racial prejudice, or hatred towards a group of otherwise innocent people. In a certain sense even “click-ish” group behavior, which determines who is in and who is out, by putting down the undesirable group falls into this category.

Having laid down some important but simple principles for our relationships, Jesus discusses church discipline.  In a serious matter, if someone refuses to listen even to the church, then such individuals could be subject to church discipline. 

This is likely a type of excommunication (cf. 1 Cor. 7:2, 5). We need to keep in mind that baring someone from Communion always has the purpose of bringing them to their senses and restoring them to full communion. Church discipline is medicinal and intends to bring healing to the individual.

Forgiveness

Finally, Jesus calls each one of his followers to forgive those who have sinned against them. This includes our enemies. This does not mean we are passive, or that we allow ourselves to be mistreated repeatedly. We can say to the person who sinned against us, “What you did to me is completely unacceptable, and this is how it hurt me, and I do not want you to ever do that again, but I forgive you.” If the offender refuses to listen, we can take steps to protect our reputation and if necessary even our safety. We can involve other legitimate authorities in our dispute, but in the end, we must forgive the offender (Matthew 6:14-15).

We do this ultimately for our own sake because holding on to unforgiveness will only hurt us in the end, both psychologically and spiritually.

Read more on forgiveness:

Why is Forgiving Difficult?

What Forgiveness Is and Is Not

“Be Angry but do not Sin”

Modern Psychology and Forgiveness

Jesus and Forgiveness

I pray that as we reflect on Jesus' words today, we will each learn to grow in discretion and love toward all people, even our enemies. Imagine the change that would occur in our lives if we put Jesus’ words into practice, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.”

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2023 
TWENTY-THIRD SUNDAY IN ORDINARY TIME--YEAR A

Notes:

CCC     Catechism of the Catholic Church

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[i] Saint Augustine, Homilies on the First Epistle of John (Tractatus in Epistolam Joannis Ad Parthos), ed. Daniel E. Doyle, Thomas Martin, and Boniface Ramsey, trans. Boniface Ramsey, vol. 14, The Works of Saint Augustine: A Translation for the 21st Century (Hyde Park, NY: New City Press, 2008), 110.