Forgiving From the Heart

Our readings for this Sunday focus on forgiveness. Forgiveness is a detailed and complicated topic. Jesus and Forgiveness

In Matthew 18, Jesus sternly highlights the spiritual consequences of holding on to unforgiveness.

"Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt.

So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgives your brother from your heart." (Matthew 18:34-35, lectionary)

Is Jesus saying that holding on to unforgiveness automatically eternally condemns us? His statement is ominous, but perhaps not for the reasons some will assume. If we have a wrong idea about how we get into heaven, we could easily get confused. Many people seem to think that, at the gates of heaven, St. Peter will challenge us about why we should get into heaven, and he will produce a scorecard of sorts based on our good works. We might call this a cartoon faith.

Cartoon Faith

I continue to be amazed at the power of stories and images to influence people’s beliefs. A few years ago, many people read the fictional thriller, The Da Vinci Code.  A great deal of confusion occurred, as hundreds of errors in this tale unintentionally influenced people, concerning the Catholic Church and our faith.

A similar thing has occurred with popular cartoon images of heaven. The standard "cartoon" has the deceased person coming to the gates of heaven usually depicted with wings like an angel. St. Peter challenges the person about why he should let them into heaven. Often this is bundled with the idea that we need to present a list of our good deeds to enter.

In sacred scripture, we are explicitly told that the heaven city has a massive, high wall and not one but twelve pearly gates (Revelation 21:12). There are three gates that face each of the four directions North, East, South, and West (Revelation 21:14). This emphasizes that the city is for every nation, race, people, and tongue (Rev 7:9). In spite of these apparent fortifications, the gates are always open and never shut (22:25). Entry into heaven is for “those whose names are written in the lamb’s book of life” (21:27).

What the typical cartoon gets wrong is that our eternal destiny is determined “at the moment of our death,” in a particular judgment by Christ. This judgment will determine if we are worthy of either heaven or hell (CCC 1022, 1051). There are only two possibilities. All who die in God’s grace and friendship are assured of salvation, but they may also need to undergo purification before entering the joy of heaven (CCC 1030).

It is not the list of our good deeds that will make us worthy of heaven, but our communion with the death and resurrection of Christ and our deeds of cooperation with the graces that we have received through the sacraments. The catechism calls this living and dying “in God’s grace and friendship.”

The Church teaches that our eternal destiny is sealed at the moment of our death. We cannot earn our salvation through our own good works, no matter how good we try to be. Without exception, salvation comes through an unmerited gift of grace, received by faith, as we enter into communion with the death of Jesus. This is what the Catechism means by “All who die in God’s grace and friendship” (CCC 1030).

Forgiveness and Repentance

We also believe, however, that it is possible to lose this gift of grace through serious (mortal) sin in our lives. The conditions include grave matter, full knowledge, and deliberate consent. This type of serious sin can cause us to lose the gift of grace that we have received until we are restored to grace again by repentance in Confession.

This restoration to the life of grace occurs through an act of repentance in Confession. In order to make a good Confession we must have some contrition (CCC 1451-1453), and be willing to change our lives and stop sinning. If we do not intend to stop the sin, or in the case of difficult habitual sins, at least to genuinely struggle to stop them, we cannot be forgiven in Confession. 

The healing we receive in Confession actually helps us to exercise mercy towards those who sin against us. This is one of the reasons why even frequent Confession of less serious sins is helpful.  The Catechism reminds us that by "receiving more frequently through this sacrament the gift of the Father’s mercy, we are spurred to be merciful as he is merciful" (CCC 1458).

I believe that Jesus is telling us that deliberately withholding forgiveness for some injustice that we have experienced is potentially a grave sin. Withholding forgiveness could also be an unwillingness to stop sinning by failing to show mercy. The unforgiving servant in Jesus' parable suffers a kind of moral blindness that seems to prevent him from connecting the mercy he has been shown, with the mercy he should show to others.

Forgiveness is both a Choice and a Process

Now I think we need to be fair. Forgiving an inconsiderate driver in traffic is not the same as experiencing a life of trauma or abuse.  When I hear a victim of trauma say, “I will never forgive my mother,” I am well aware that forgiveness in such circumstances is a process. If I am able to see this, then we can be certain that Jesus understands this as well.

A number of years ago while teaching a seminar on forgiveness; I met a man who said to me, “I will never forgive my mother.” He had not talked to his mother in 55 years. When I heard his childhood story, frankly I thought his mother deserved to be in jail for her crimes. 

During the evenings of the seminar, we explored what forgiveness is and is not, and why we need to forgive for our own healing (spiritually and psychologically). By the end of the seminar, the man shared with me, “I think I can now forgive my mother.” He resolved to call her mother and tell her so. (Personal details changed to protect the person's identity.)

Dr. Robert Enright (a Catholic clinical psychologist) has developed a therapeutic approach to the human act of forgiveness that has helped many people to work through the difficult feelings of anger and resentment and find healing.     Modern Psychology and Forgiveness

What Forgiveness Is

Enright uses the following definition of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. More than this, Catholic psychologist Robert Enright suggests that in addition to letting go of grudges and resentment even when the wrongdoer's actions deserve it, we instead offend gifts of “mercy, generosity and love” or “beneficence” when the wrongdoer does not deserve them.[i]

Enright identifies three components to forgiveness.[ii] First we must acknowledge that the offense was and continues to be unfair. Secondly, since our anger is a response to someone hurting us, and we have a moral right to this anger. To put this another way our anger is justified, since we have the right to be treated with respect. Thirdly, forgiveness involves us offering the offender a gift, as we give up our anger and resentment. In essence, forgiveness is an act of mercy toward the offender. What Forgiveness Is and Is Not

At a basic level simply letting go of anger and resentment and saying “I forgive you,” is an act of forgiveness. I believe that if you have taken this step, you are likely no longer in the realm of obvious sin. Yet Enright suggests a further step, we need to make an act of mercy toward the offender. 

Since forgiveness is a process, in order to fully experience forgiveness in our hearts, we need to hear Jesus say “Love your enemies.” Jesus calls us to universally exercise mercy. 

We can test our heart. If we have forgiven someone, but we still have the temptation, at least mentally, to stick out our foot to trip the offender when we see this person, we likely have more work to do in our hearts! Again, I think God understands the need for a process as we work through our emotions. It should be obvious that a simple act of forgiveness does not necessarily take away all our hurt. In some cases, it may take years. Why is Forgiveness Difficult

Yet, I think Jesus’ warning about “forgiving from the heart” encourages us to continue the process until we reach the end of the journey.


Notes:

CCC = Catechism of the Catholic Church

[i] Robert D. Enright, Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. (Washington: APA, 2001), p. 25. 

[ii]  He follows the definition of the British philosopher Joanna North. Ibid. p. 25. Cf. Robert D. Enright and Richard P. Fitzgibbons, Forgiveness Therapy: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope 2nd ed. (Washington: American Psychological Association, 2015.)