I have been happily married for 37 years, but I still agree
with modern research on marriage, which has shown that 68% of conflict in all Marriages
never gets resolved. Most often differences in personality create conflict in
Marriage. Happy couples learn to compromise on their differences and develop
skills in conflict resolution.
Since personality does not change, unless you live as a
hermit, conflict with others is a normal part of life. Not just in Marriage,
however, but with our friends, our family, our colleagues, and the people in
our church.
This means our future happiness depends on learning how to
deal with conflict.
The question is where do we find good advice?
Growing in human virtue and positive psychology could likely
help, but as Catholics, perhaps we should turn to the Bible for advice.
In our modern culture, many people resonate with Jesus' admonition, “Stop judging, that you may not be judged. (Matthew 7:1.) We often interpret this to mean that we should be completely tolerant and not interfere with other people's personal freedom in their life choices. If we interfere, we are being judgmental and unloving.
The Bible, however, requires someone to
interpret it. If we think this way about Jesus’ teaching on "not judging," I
wonder how much our mind is being influenced by modern culture, so that it is
actually culture, and not the Bible that we are hearing?
Does our first reading from the Old Testament surprise you? God
told Ezekiel that he would hold Ezekiel personally responsible if he did not
try to dissuade people from a misguided life. Does he require the same of us?
While Jesus’ famous words: “Stop judging” in Matthew 7, are
concerned about avoiding our own hypocrisy, they still imply we should try
to help our brother or sister. Jesus certainly did not tell us to "look the other
way" and do nothing.
Our culture celebrates personal freedom and tolerance, and I admit these are good things, but even good things can be misused.
If someone had a seven-year-old son, who decided to eat only
chocolate ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and never to eat anything
else, the son would not be healthy. Yet other than the grocery bill, this choice would
only affect him. Yet, I doubt that any sensible parent would allow this.
True freedom must always be freedom for the good.
Echoing Jesus, St. Paul reminds us in our Second Reading
that “love is the fulfillment of the law.” If we always acted in love, we would
be on the correct path at all times. St. Augustine famously said, “Love God and
do whatever you please.” I am guessing this quote was very popular in the 1960's! If the quote sounds
a bit off, that is because the full quote is,
“Love God and do whatever you please: for the soul trained
in love to God will do nothing to offend the One who is Beloved.” [i]
The problem is that love, like words in a sentence, has a
certain grammar. Our love must be ‘rightly ordered,’ or have the correct
grammar, to be genuine or true love. Love must always be directed toward the good.
In relation to freedom, the Catholic Church has always
taught that we are only truly acting with freedom when we pursue what is good.
To pursue something evil is a personal choice but not genuine freedom. Clearly
being pro-choice can be actively evil in many circumstances.
In our Gospel today, Jesus discusses the grammar of love in
conflict. In normal circumstances, when we have a problem with someone else, we
should first “go and tell him or her their fault on our own” (Matthew 18:15).
As part of the inherent dignity of the human person, each of
us is entitled to a just reputation.
When other people attack or diminish our just reputation this is a sinful act. The
Catechism reminds us that “Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every
attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury” (CCC 2437).
If we are not careful in this regard, we can fall into three
sins. Before discussing these sins, I want to assure you that like Jesus I am
beside you, but unlike Jesus, I am not above you! I think each of us could
admit that we have committed these sins from time to time. I know I have!
Rash Judgement
The first sin is rash
judgment. A person commits this sin when they assume, as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a
neighbor (CCC 2437). If we quickly assume our neighbor's fault and even
think they have bad motives for their behavior, but we have done nothing to see
if this is true, we are sinning.
Following Jesus' advice in our Gospel, we should instead first
go to the other person on our own, and talk to them. If we do this, we will
hear their side of the story. Perhaps we are mistaken about their fault or
their intentions.
When we are angry or hurt, is easy to make a rash judgment in
a situation. Our anger at a perceived injustice on our part can often lead us
to exaggerate the fault committed and to be defensive. While we may well have a
just complaint about our neighbor, it would not be fair to respond unfairly.
The most loving behavior is to begin by thinking the best of
the other person and only to think badly of them once we get all the facts. This
often includes determining the difference between an act carried out
carelessly, and one done with malicious intent.
Detraction
The second is the sin of detraction. We commit this sin when
without objectively valid reason; we choose to disclose another’s faults and
failings to persons who do not know them
Detraction is the sin of gossip. Even after determining that
we are correct about another person’s fault, this does not mean we have the
right to tell everyone we know about it. It is a sin to reveal another person’s
fault to other people, who do not have the right to know. Again it is a sin to unjustly
harm another person’s reputation.
Normally the number of people we should talk to is severely
limited. There are exceptions. Often times there are legitimate authorities who do
need to know. If a crime has been committed, we need to report it immediately. Something
serious may occur in the workplace, which requires us to tell our superiors. While
there are people in our lives who may need to know about the fault, this clearly
is not everyone. Jesus calls us to act with discretion.
I do not want people to think, however, this means we need to
resolve every problem on our own. As we work through a more difficult problem,
we may well need to talk to a pastor, a counselor, or a trusted friend who will
also promise to keep the matter confidential. This is not gossip.
I am not sure what sort of conflict between Christians Jesus
has in mind in our Gospel but there is a progression, first go alone, then take
witnesses, then tell the church. The pattern is to try to resolve the conflict
by involving as few people as possible. If we do not follow this pattern, we
are likely gossiping.
Gossip is like a contagious disease. Someone says, “Did you
hear about so-and-so, I heard…” and then it is passed on to the next person.
Gossip is always sinful, but it can be especially sinful if
the fault is exaggerated or simply not true. Rash judgment plus detraction
intensifies the sin. Furthermore, gossip once released is almost impossible to
repair. What if we later discover there was more to the story and we were completely mistaken about the fault?
Perhaps you have heard the often-told story of the priest who gave a penance to someone guilty of gossip. He told the penitent to take a feather pillow and climb up the church tower. He then directed them to cut open the pillow and release all the feathers in the wind. After doing this, he told the penitent, you must go and collect each feather and return all of them to me.
When the penitent protested that this was impossible. The priest replied,
“You are correct, and now you understand that it is impossible to make amends in
this life for your sin.” He then gave the penitent absolution, in the hope that
they would amend their future ways and no longer engage in gossiping.
Calumny
Finally, we have the sin of calumny. This sin is committed when, by remarks
contrary to the truth, we harm the reputation of others and give occasion for others
to make false judgments about someone (CCC 2437).
The sin of calumny is more malicious. The person guilty of this sin deliberately makes remarks contrary to the truth, with the intention of harming the reputation of another person. This could be by telling deliberate lies about another person, or even by telling a series of half-truths calculated to harm the other person.
This could
also occur passively by constantly highlighting and exaggerating little faults
by the other person. Imagine what would happen if someone followed us around and
constantly highlighted every mistake we made but was silent about anything good. What
would people remember about us?
Does this bring to mind ugly political advertisements? Calumny can also be against classes or groups
of people, such as comments that incite racial prejudice, or hatred towards a
group of otherwise innocent people. In a certain sense even “click-ish” group
behavior, which determines who is in and who is out, by putting down the
undesirable group falls into this category.
Having laid down some important but simple principles for our relationships, Jesus discusses church discipline. In a serious matter, if someone refuses to listen even to the church, then such individuals could be subject to church discipline.
This is
likely a type of excommunication (cf. 1 Cor. 7:2, 5). We need to keep in mind
that baring someone from Communion always has the purpose of bringing them to
their senses and restoring them to full communion. Church discipline is medicinal
and intends to bring healing to the individual.
Forgiveness
Finally, Jesus calls each one of his followers to forgive
those who have sinned against them. This includes our enemies. This does not mean we are passive, or that
we allow ourselves to be mistreated repeatedly. We can say to the person who sinned against us, “What you did to me
is completely unacceptable, and this is how it hurt me, and I do not want you to
ever do that again, but I forgive you.” If the offender refuses to listen, we
can take steps to protect our reputation and if necessary even our safety. We can involve other
legitimate authorities in our dispute, but in the end, we must forgive the offender (Matthew 6:14-15).
We do this ultimately for our own sake because holding on to
unforgiveness will only hurt us in the end, both psychologically and
spiritually.
Read more on forgiveness:
What Forgiveness Is and Is Not
“Be Angry but do not Sin”
Modern Psychology and Forgiveness
I pray that as we reflect on Jesus' words today, we will
each learn to grow in discretion and love toward all people, even our enemies.
Imagine the change that would occur in our lives if we put Jesus’ words into
practice, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between
you and him alone.”
TWENTY-THIRD SUNDAY IN ORDINARY TIME--YEAR A
Notes:
CCC Catechism of the Catholic Church
[i] Saint
Augustine, Homilies on the First Epistle
of John (Tractatus in Epistolam Joannis Ad Parthos), ed. Daniel E. Doyle,
Thomas Martin, and Boniface Ramsey, trans. Boniface Ramsey, vol. 14, The Works of Saint Augustine: A Translation
for the 21st Century (Hyde Park, NY: New City Press, 2008), 110.
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